The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
No regrets in 2018