You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
dictator is short for richard potato
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
A dad and his duck
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart