“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
The prophecy is fulfilled
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
liiiiiiiiike
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!