“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
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The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
mood
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
LMAO.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow