@envydatropic: You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That's me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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@badbanana: Donald Trump says he'll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she'll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
@Brianhopecomedy: Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.
@rickolantern: My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing. But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.