You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
You Might Also Like
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Morning.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?