Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.