You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I never needed anything more in my life
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.