“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I’m listening
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Dune (2021)
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’ve had relationships like this
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
japanese corn
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum