@mishakey: You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Would you ever want an open marriage? me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they'd have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
@fridaycandy: I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love" but it's actually "floor" .
@Samiam556: Apparently the safe word has changed to... NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye....
@ohJuliatweets: I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.
@Darlainky: Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.
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