@j0eg0d: If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.

@comedianluke: If he can't build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it's a Road Runner cartoon.

@SortaBad: "I can't wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait...what the -" [U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

@_BryanZ_: I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

@thatdutchperson: Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'