may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.