Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
You Might Also Like
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Same post same
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
79.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn