Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
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Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING