@Traceylei2: You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [magicians backstage] don't panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
@ambamthankyamam: I saved my husband's life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
@mattZillaaaa: [at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word "bae"
@Momtoteens: Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.