You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?