You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
You Might Also Like
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry