You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
every single time
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.