You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Probably my best painting.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way