You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!