@JaymayAllDay: You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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@novicefather: I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don't own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
@KingRainhead: i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
@ilovepie84: I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
@WakeVII: Parents: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Parents: Mom and dad. Me: Mom and dad who? Parents: Exactly, you're adopted son. ;'(