Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*