@F5X11: You know what doesn't cry? Birth control
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@Fred_Delicious: [gets found guilty of murder] [sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat] [appeals] [gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why was that guy yelling at you? [flashback to me ignoring the "one per customer" sign] me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
@littlelady899: When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?