You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.