You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork