@sammyrhodes: You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
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@ibid78: "Sir your résumé says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a résumé?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."
@Swishergirl24: The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
@TheLOLYBible: "But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like 'wtf' " Genesis 19:26
@michaelianblack: Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can't find them.