[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.