ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island