@jtswhipped: You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
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@iamburtjarvis: [moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I'M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow. At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.