@jtswhipped: You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
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@PaperWash: Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad? EXCUSE ME?! *sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad *snaps newspaper* that's better
@OneFunnyMummy: My kids and I are exact opposites. They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
@daemonic3: Son? "Yes dad?" If they ever put me on my death bed... I want you to... "Yes?" Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
@OfficialMizGin: I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean. It said, “Please refill and return to sender.” Now I wait.