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@jtswhipped: You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
@LeonEarlgrey: This week in Nascar it all comes down to one race...
@huntigula: Me: If Obi-Wan's clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn't ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
@Unlucky_Ninja: Now we're going to say some shit to scare old people.
-the local news
@badbanana: It's called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
@david8hughes: [alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Me: say it
Me: say "see you later alligator"