@jtswhipped: You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
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@VanGobot: *bank robbery* ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt! ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
@samalmightysam: -Honey, what made you fall in love with me? -Your mother. -But my mother lives 5000 miles away. -That's why...
@lawblob: [the boss walks by my desk and catches me looking at sonic anime] Me: the hackers are at it again. I was trying to visit church. com
@KentWGraham: If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.