I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
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If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013