Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?