You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.