I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
guys i’ve cracked the code
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.