Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
The pen is writier than the sword.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me