You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
shut up and take my money
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?