@SortaBad: "You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs" - jerk chicken
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@primawesome: Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
@thepunningman: [hamster construction site] "Colin, you seen Dave?" I left him manning the concrete mixer "Oh no" [cut to Dave having the time of his life]
@RikNasty2Point0: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
@mindintheshadow: I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they're going to expire in 2017.