You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”