you know what ruined my childhood? children
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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.