you know what ruined my childhood? children
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
ugh not again
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed