You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
White parent Vs Arab parents
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…