You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
You Might Also Like
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
San Francisco has too many rules
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
This line from Airplane.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.