HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”