Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
You Might Also Like
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He鈥檚 been driving for the last hour
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can鈥檛 get any wor
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
found this cool rock hiking today
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say itMe: That鈥檚 crazy
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn鈥檛 just increase tenfold
馃槤
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Look at this
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.