50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
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Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Dammit Chief not again