Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy