You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
You Might Also Like
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.