You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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The news in a nutshell.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
What’s a Messi?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.