You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
You Might Also Like
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
How do dragons blow out candles?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time