You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
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I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*