Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
WTF IS THAT!
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”