Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
the clam before the storm
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.