@SoFarFetchd: "You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
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@G_Faylor: [blind date] HER: I'm a first-grade teacher. ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*
@krisv_723: Sometimes when I'm driving I'm overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I'm Kris & I'll be your Uber driver.
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us