“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
You Might Also Like
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I missed you with all my darts
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?