“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance