You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.