You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I want this so bad
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?