You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
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So the ex texted me
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!